Couples who regularly express appreciation are more likely to be happy in their relationships

Jan 17

Happy couples look for opportunities to express appreciation, and research from Dr. John Gottman shows that building a culture of gratitude is an essential part of a healthy relationship.

What did you do today? Go to work? Tidy up around the house? Make food that someone else enjoyed? If you wrote down everything you’ve done that adds value to your loved one’s life, your hand would likely cramp before you finished. Which begs the question, how often do you get a “thank you” for the things you do? We hope the answer is, “everyday!” but if the answer is, “uh, it’s been a while.”— read on. The research is clear that couples who regularly express appreciation are more likely to be happy in their relationships, which is why we’ve included Appreciation as a core Love Skill.

When we take a basic “thank you” and make it specific, we transform perfunctory politeness into a meaningful moment. Instead of the classic, “thank you for doing the dishes” there are two easy ways to elevate expressions of gratitude.

Share why your partner’s contribution is meaningful to you. An example of this might be, “Thank you for doing the dishes. I was exhausted tonight, so when I came downstairs and saw that you cleaned up the kitchen, I felt this huge wave of relief—I felt really cared for.”
Highlight what your partner’s contribution says about them. This example sounds like, “Thank you for doing the dishes tonight. I know you had a long day and you still cleaned up the kitchen—you really are the most hardworking and caring partner.” When you take a moment to think about why you appreciate what your partner has done, then share that sentiment with them, you create a culture of gratitude.

Acknowledging the actions that add value is essential — but wait, there’s more! Appreciation also encompasses sharing what you like about your partner as a person. Take a moment to think about what values, characteristics and endearing qualities best describe your partner.

ACTIVITY

From the list below, choose five qualities you think are characteristic of your partner and share a story that highlights this quality with your partner. Let them know why you value these characteristics so much.

Sample Values/Characteristics: Accepting, Achievement oriented, Adventurous, Caring, Comforting, Committed, Compassionate, Considerate, Contribution, Cooperative, Creative, Dependable, Elegant, Empathetic, Excitement, Faithful, Family oriented, Flexible, Friendship, Fun, Funny, Generous, Gentle, Genuine, Growth, Healthy, Helpful, Honest, Hopeful, Humble, Imaginative, Independent, Industrious, Intelligent, Intentional, Inner-peace, Justice, Kindness, Knowledgable, Loving, Loyal, Mindfulness, Non-conformity, Nurturance, Openness, Order, Passionate, Playful, Pleasure, Power, Purpose, Reasonable, Reserved, Reliable, Responsible, Risk, Romance, Safety, Self-acceptance, Self-control, Service, Shy, Simplicity, Solitude, Spiritual, Stable, Strong, Tender, Thoughtful, Tolerant, Traditional, Virtuous, Vulnerable, Warm

1. Value/Characteristic _______________________________