Quality time - be present and engaged with your partner in a meaningful way.
Meaning matters
At Our.Love, we talk a lot about the small actions partners can take to keep their relationships feeling fantastic like expressing appreciation, demonstrating curiosity, creating quality time—and these are just a few of the evidence-based skills we can practice in pursuit of better love!
Let’s talk about quality time. Shared experiences are, perhaps unsurprisingly, important when it comes to building strong relationships. But not all shared experiences are created equal. Intuitively, we know there is a substantial difference between routine interaction and really connecting. Quality time is time spent with the intention to be present and engaged with your partner in a meaningful way.
More than compatibility
How you spend time with your partner has likely evolved over the course of your relationship. When you reflect on how much has changed since you started dating, it’s likely that your financial resources, work schedule and health goals are different. Maybe you’ve even had kids or experienced a significant medical event that fundamentally changed your life. All of these things can impact what we do with our partner and how we feel about those experiences.
If you’re wondering whether or not you still have enough in common, we hope you’ll find the following research reassuring. Dr. Ted Huston is a psychology professor at the University of Texas who runs the PAIR project, a longitudinal study of married couples, and his research shows that a couples’ level of compatibility is not predictive of their overall happiness.
Seriously? Yes, we’ll say that again: a couples level of compatibility does not determine their happiness.
Furthermore, Dr. Bill Doherty, the Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program at the University of Minnesota says, “Compatibility is overrated. The similarities or personality traits that attract people to each other may not hold up over time. You might be attracted to someone because you both love to ski, but then one of you blows out a knee. When people are divorcing, they’ll say, "We have nothing in common." But they have kids, a house and 30 years of shared experience. Values about money and children run very deep and are important. The surface ones—antiques, sports, travel and gourmet coffee—don't matter.”
It’s easy to say ‘get out there and do the activities you both enjoy!’ but what if you and your partner, like many other couples, have grown to enjoy different activities over time, or the ones you still share are not as accessible as they once were?
We begin by inviting you to engage in a conversation with your partner, not just about the types of activities you find meaningful but why. The ‘why’ here is key. The goal is not to create a list of things to do—because who needs another list of things to do— the goal is to understand why those experiences make you feel something. That something can be feelings like: connection, calm, excitement, adventure, freedom, purpose, or pleasure. When couples understand what makes them feel alive, quality time takes on a deeper meaning.
That sounds great, but what comes next? Next, we explore the different forms quality time can take: Meaningful Moments, Great Dates and Peak Experiences.
Meaningful Moments
When we say Meaningful Moments, we’re talking about little interactions throughout the day when you choose to be present—to show up fully in your relationship for just a minute—to actually see and feel and hear and touch your partner. Tuning into your senses reconnects you to the moment and opens the door to connection.
Meaningful moments can come about spontaneously or intentionally and it is important to make room for a mix of both. That being said, spontaneous connection, is, well, spontaneous—so it would behoove you spend some time thinking about how to create intentional moments of connection consistently.
On that note, please don’t feel weird about putting time to connect on your calendar. We all use an organizational system of some kind for work or other important tasks because our heads can only hold so much. Let’s use the tools available to us to be more productive in our relational lives as well!
Some people may be wondering if these small interactions can actually make a difference. To answer that question, we turn to the relationship science community. Research out of Penn State University shows that everyday experiences of connection are more important than the occasional grand gesture when it comes to lasting love. What a relief! The big stuff requires time, money, energy and resources that many people just can’t access with any regularity.
To connect consistently, try developing what Dr. John Gottman calls “rituals of connection.” These rituals do not need to be elaborate or time consuming, just a few minutes a day can go a long way. We’ve included a few examples of what a simple ritual might look like—you might even say, “we already do that!” If so — well done, keep up the good work!
Rituals of Connection
Start your day with “good morning”.
Check in via text or phone at lunch time.
Greet one another with a hug or kiss when you come back together at the end of the day.
Do something active together on the weekend.
Hold hands in the car
Say, “I love you before bed.”
Great Dates
Dates are probably what people think of first when they think quality time. Dates can be wonderful opportunities to talk, laugh, and recenter. It is important to note that dates are way more fun when you aren’t going into them disconnected — the more Meaningful Moments you have throughout the week, the better your dates will be. What’s the difference between a date and a great date? Purpose, Presence, Persistence, and Playfulness. Let’s break that down.
Purpose refers to what you two are hoping to get out of the date. Is it to get to know one another better? Have some fun? Create space for intimacy? Feel free to mix and match, but be sure to get on the same page about what kind of experience you’re hoping to share.
Presence means you give your partner your attention. You aren’t checking your phone, watching the tv in the background or trying to multitask. Presence is simple, but hard, as it requires that we ignore the many thoughts competing for our attention and focus on just one thing: being with our partner.
Persistence is an interesting one. Even with the best of intentions, couples go on dates and find themselves not having the experience they hoped for. Maybe the food sucks, the conversation stalls, the weather isn’t cooperating or you stumble into a fight. Darn it. Be patient, focus your attention on what you want to remember, apologize if needed, and give one another some grace. Maybe you’ll be able to salvage the date, maybe not, either way, you’ll try again soon. That’s persistence.
Playfulness is all about demonstrating interest, excitement and openness. It is what makes the ‘inside’ in an ‘inside joke’. Playfulness is about saying ‘yes, and,’ about improvising with only those materials available to you in the present moment and, most importantly, playfulness is about creating a space made by and for just the two of you.
Peak Experiences
Dreamy vacations and once in a lifetime adventures are exceptional sources of quality time. When we think of peak experiences, we think about the types of activities that can bring a sense of fulfillment. Something like accomplishing a shared goal, volunteering for a cause that is important to you or checking an item off your bucket list. Peak experiences are about deeply connecting with what it means for you to live a purposeful life together.
It is a pleasure to be with you
The takeaway here is that quality time does not have to be some big hoopla! Look for opportunities to create meaningful moments, go on a date or start planning your next peak experience. Your love is worth it!
Kristin Thieme is a Gottman Method couples therapist practicing at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Ms. Thieme earned a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from Lewis & Clark College. After graduating with honors (summa cum laude), she pursued additional education and certification in the Gottman Method while training directly with John and Julie Gottman in Seattle. Ms. Thieme joined The Family Institute as a therapist in 2019.
