Seven Skills for Better Love & Healthy Relationships
Have you ever typed a ridiculously long sentence into the Google search bar? Yeah, us too. Millions of search results appear in less than a second, thus giving the impression that the answers to our most pressing relational questions are just a click away. Except, you’ve been here before. You know that you’ll skim a few articles, spending progressively less time on each new site as the scavenger hunt for definitive answers loses its sense of fun the longer it drags on.
Why are the search results so consistently unsatisfying? In short— the internet is cluttered with content that has little substance. Anecdotal articles are quickly dismissed because the particulars of the author’s experience are too specific to be useful, and judgy blogs are a painful reminder that opening up can be the start of shutting down. We are left to wonder who to trust and how to get the support we need.
Friends and family may not be readily available and the always-on work culture is edging into our downtime, making it more challenging to engage with our communities. Given this context, it’s easy to see why we turn to our romantic partners. The idea that the person we love and live with could meet all our needs— for stability, adventure, meaning, connection, growth, contribution — is a pretty attractive proposition. Early in the relationship, this consolidation feels wonderfully efficient, but the need for dependable and diversified support never really goes away. So where do we turn — the relationship science community.
Some may think of science as cold and unfeeling, but when we picture the countless couples who have participated in these research studies, and the experts who dedicate their lives to improving ours, we get a warm fuzzy feeling.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman and Dr. Sue Johnson are just three out of the thousands of experts we can turn to with questions about love. Through the rigors of their experimentation and peer review, they’ve taught us about how happy marriages are based on deep friendship, mutual respect, and a genuine enjoyment of each other’s company.
We’ve learned that couples who go the distance have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness, not just in grand gestures, but through small kindnesses day in and day out. Happy couples value trust and commitment. They don’t just “get along”, they support each others hopes and dreams. We strengthen our emotional bond when we are open, attuned and responsive to our partner.
Historically, couples could only hope for happiness if they had great marriage models, access to quality therapy or perhaps some combination of good instincts and luck in the self-help isle. The good news is that you don’t have to hope for luck. The team of researchers, therapists and wellness experts at Our.Love are committed to developing an accessible, vibrant community that helps couples build happy, fulfilling relationships.
We believe that positive action is essential when building the life you love. The seven, science-based Love Skills outlined below represent key actions you can take to immediately improve the quality of your relationship. Curious? Excellent! You’re already picking up on the first skill. Let’s go!
Curiosity
Practicing curiosity in your relationship means demonstrating and expressing a genuine interest in your partner’s perspective. This involves asking thoughtful questions and listening to learn more about your partner. Too often, couples become complacent, believing that they already know who their partner is and that there is little left to discover. On the contrary, we all change over time. Therefore, a curious mindset will help you fall in love with your partner again and again.
Action | Show interest in your partner’s experience by asking a thoughtful question this week.
Appreciation
Appreciation signifies letting your partner know that they’ve done something that is meaningful to you and that you value them for who they are as a person. Expressing gratitude for their contributions—grocery shopping, laundry, dishes— is just the beginning!
Appreciation also means sharing feelings of fondness. When we look for the little things we love about our partner (and share those little things with them), we feed oxygen into the flame of friendship. Along with gratitude for your partner’s support, appreciation gives an acknowledgment that we are in this life together and better for it.
Action | Let your partner know you noticed positive things about them this week.
Quality Time
Quality time describes a shared experience that you both value. Quality time looks a little different couple to couple — watching a movie, hiking, volunteering, talking over dinner, cuddling — but at the core, quality time helps each partner feel like a priority. With a seemingly endless to-do list, it is important to intentionally create space for connection.
Action | Make time for your partner to feel special and important in this week.
Support
Support means demonstrating care for your partner while maintaining healthy boundaries. It can take on many forms — offering a hug, a listening ear or reassurance. By supporting our partners, we do our best to convey that they can count on us. That being said, we cannot offer support when doing so would breach a boundary. Supporting our partners at the expense of our own emotional health or bodily autonomy is not safe and certainly not sustainable. Caring for yourself is as important as caring for your partner!
Action | If your partner shares that they are feeling some stress this week, do your best to listen and empathize without going into problem solving mode.
Accountability
Accountability means that you listen to your partner’s concerns with compassion and accept responsibility for your mistakes. When apologies begin and end with, “I’m sorry”, the errors that led to the apology tend to recur and erode trust. An effective repair not only identifies the cause of the mistake, it also outlines a plan to prevent similar situations from arising in the future. Meaningful repairs create the confidence that you and your partner can learn from your mistakes and move forward together.
Action | If your partner expresses a concern this week, do your best to set aside defensiveness and say, “I’m sorry” with a commitment to do better next time.
Physical Affection
Physical affection communicates the love you feel for your partner through touch. Some things are best expressed verbally, others with a kiss or a soft caress. Physical affection is important for all sorts of social and biological reasons, but perhaps most importantly because some aspects of the human experience don't translate well into words. Like music and art, physical affection touches a part of us that language can't reach.
Action | To the extent that you feel comfortable, reach out to your partner this week.
Vulnerability
Vulnerability sets the foundation for connection and proves to be essential for long term relational health. When we allow our partner to get to know our internal world — our thoughts, feelings, values, and dreams — we cultivate closeness.
Conversely, a relationship without vulnerability often feels quite lonely. We are more than what we provide for our friends and family, and we all want to be valued for who we are. However, some people are scared that when others actually get to know them, they will leave. Acknowledging this fear and bravely allowing those who have earned your trust to see the “real” you is an act of courage and of love.
Action | When talking with your partner, try including an emotion word when describing your day.
Our relationships thrive when we trust ourselves and our partner. It flourishes when we love at the level we are each capable. Also, trust is built every time we use these seven skills, and it is further reinforced when we have a hard day and show up for our relationship anyway.
On the days you are tired, busy, distracted, or unmotivated, we have your back— providing information, inspiration and reassurance that you are not alone. On the good days, we look forward to making you laugh and bringing out the fun side of your relationship. We hope that Our.Love can offer you a safe place to ask questions and to explore and strengthen your relationship.
Better love starts here.
Kristin Thieme is a Gottman Method couples therapist practicing at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Ms. Thieme earned a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from Lewis & Clark College. After graduating with honors (summa cum laude), she pursued additional education and certification in the Gottman Method while training directly with John and Julie Gottman in Seattle. Ms. Thieme joined The Family Institute as a therapist in 2019.
