Vulnerability as the Heartbeat of a Loving Relationship
What does it mean to be VULNERABLE?
The word ‘vulnerability’ has until recently had a bad rap. It has been associated with terms such as susceptibility, powerlessness, weakness, helplessness, to name a few. More recently, the word vulnerability has been translated across various domains of our lives, from bedrooms to boardrooms, to social media spaces and beyond. The word vulnerability is now associated with terms such as bravery, courage, openness, accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement (remember these last three words, we will come back to them, they are especially important in the arena of LOVE)!
What does VULNERABILITY have to do with LOVE?
Vulnerability is at the heart of love. It is the pulse of a relationship. The more vulnerable we can be with those we love, the more Accessible, Responsive, and Engaged (A.R.E.) they can be with us. The more we can tune into our inner emotional worlds - our vulnerability, our fears, our needs and longings – and the more directly and coherently we can share our vulnerability - the more our loved ones can be Accessible, Responsive and Engaged (A.R.E.). That is, the more likely it is they can answer a resounding YES! to the key questions that characterize a loving relationship: A.R.E. you there for me? Can I count on you? Will you be there for me when I call? Do I matter to you? Do you see me, know me, understand me?
VULNERABILITY is the Fertile Ground for GROWTH.
Our social worlds are the ecological niche in which we all grow, from the cradle to the grave. When we trust, when we feel safe in our most important relationships, we can risk exploring ourselves rather than blaming others. We can risk tuning into our emotional worlds. We can move with and through the emotion that characterizes a full and rich life, rather than reactively suppressing it with numbing or withdrawal or intensifying it with anger.
When we feel safe with our key others, we can risk in business, in education, in all areas of life, knowing that we have a safe place to land if we fall or waver. We can grow and learn from our successes and our failures.
We can share our fears and needs. We can give and receive LOVE.
Know and Show.
When we know and show ourselves, so too can our partners see us. We all need to be seen. We need to know we matter. We need to know our partners will be there for us when we need them.
But here is the big dilemma we all face, “I can only see you if you are to be seen. I can only know you if you are to be known.” That is, if you reveal yourself; if you allow yourself to be vulnerable, in your totality, with all your flaws and insecurities.
How A.R.E. are you and your partner? Do you reveal yourselves to one another, during the good times and the bad? Do you rely on each other?
Give it some thought. Tune in and reach out. The risk just might be worth it!
Dr. Leanne Campbell is a Registered Psychologist, a co-founder and managing partner of Campbell & Fairweather Psychology group, an Affiliate Professor at Vancouver Island University, an ICEEFT (International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy) Trainer and a science advisor with Our.Love Company. In addition to providing psychological services to hundreds of individuals, couples and families over the past three decades, Dr. Campbell provides trainings in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) to professionals around the globe. Most recently, she co-authored with Dr. Sue Johnson the first individually focused EFT book, A Primer for Emotionally Focused Individual Therapy (EFIT): Cultivating Growth and Fitness in Every Client (Routledge, 2021).
