Support - Are you there for me?

Are you there for me?

Support is one of Our.Love’s Seven Skills— and for good reason! We have ample evidence that support is a key component of healthy relationships. Clinical psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson has worked with couples for more than 30 years and her extensive research has shown just how important it is to be emotionally responsive when your partner reaches out for support. In these vulnerable encounters, partners answer the question, “are you there for me?” Whether your partner is expressing sadness, uncertainty or excitement, you can learn to respond in a way that brings you closer. 

Below, we’ve outlined a few different types of support, but please hear us when we say this list is not comprehensive. If there is a form of support you like that’s not on the list, that doesn’t mean it is not valid, it just means it is delightfully specific to you and we hope you and your partner can talk about it.

Types of support

Great support begins with good listening. Good listening tends to include: eye contact, some nodding, an mmhmm here and there, intermittent paraphrasing to show you are tracking, and most importantly, genuine interest in what your partner is sharing. Adding statements like, “that makes sense” and “I can see why you feel that way” can be validating. Matching your partner’s affect is helpful—if they’re enthusiastic, try to bring up your energy level. When they’re feeling low, soften your demeanor. Actively attuning to your partner this way helps draw out your natural empathy, allowing you to connect more deeply.

Next up is physical support. Some people enjoy hugs, others a hand squeeze, and some do not want to be touched at all. There is no right or wrong here, what matters most is that you have a sense for your partner’s preferences and the presence of mind to check in with them in the moment. 

Another form of support is spiritual. Offering to pray with, or for, your partner can bring a sense of calm and connection. We invite you to talk with your partner about their relationship to prayer. 

Many people, at one time or another, want to be alone to process their feelings. It may seem counterintuitive to suggest that giving your partner space is a form of support but being responsive to your partner’s request builds trust. If they’ve said they would like some time to themselves, you can gently ask how much time they need and let them know you’ll check in later.

For you parents out there, offering to watch the kids or make dinner are crowd favorites! Don’t underestimate the power of indirect support like childcare, food prep, running errands or otherwise taking something off your partner’s plate so they can focus on self-care. 

Boundaries
Support is not synonymous with sacrifice. Support means demonstrating care for your partner while honoring your own emotional and physical boundaries. When your partner expresses a desire for support, do a quick self-scan and ask yourself if you’re in a space where you can give them the support they need. If you’re not feeling up to it when your partner asks, it is important that you communicate that you want to be there for them. Say something like, “I can tell this is important to you, and I want to give you my full attention. Do you mind if we wait to talk about this until we sit down for dinner?” When you seek support, it is helpful to take note if your partner looks tired, hungry or distracted. If they do, saying something like, “It looks like you’re in the middle of responding to work email. We don’t need to talk now if you’re busy, but I have a lot on my mind and would love to check in. Can we talk for a few minutes before heading to bed?” This considerate request for support is likely to garner a positive response. 

Diversification

To the extent possible, we want to diversify our support systems so that our partner is not the one and only person we turn to when need help. Of course, we expect that our partner will be there for us in times of need, but it is prudent to find options that provide flexibility in terms of timing. Texting a friend, journaling, cuddling with your pet, listening to a podcast, working out, or otherwise engaging in self-soothing until your partner is ready is essential. On demand support 24/7 is not sustainable and runs the risk of crossing boundaries in ways that can undermine relational safety.

Good Intentions

While we’re on the topic of how to respond to your partner, it is helpful to note a couple of common issues you’ll want to avoid.

Support is not fixing the problem. When your partner describes their terrible day, it is not helpful to say, “well did you try…?” or “what you should have done was…” When you jump into problem solving mode, even with good intentions, you risk missing the mark. When your partner shares their feelings with you, it is worth asking them what they hope to get out of the conversation. Is it empathy? Advice? Another perspective? Sharing with your partner and feeling heard can be a great outcome in and of itself!

Heads up good listeners, follow up questions are great when they come from a place of sincerity and curiosity, just make sure the question does not become a trojan horse for blame or criticism. It is helpful to focus your questions on how your partner is feeling instead of what they did or did not do.

Don’t make it about you if it’s not about you. When your partner shares something that’s on their mind, do your very best to keep the focus of the conversation on their process. Will you have feelings about what they are saying? Probably. But right this minute is not the best time to talk about it. If they are processing feelings about something external to the relationship, plan to have a follow up conversation to address your feelings as needed. If they are processing something about your relationship, you may want to share your feelings within the same conversation. If that is the case, make sure you’ve been a good listener (see above) before saying something like, “I really appreciate that you brought this up. I’ve been thinking a lot about this too and I wonder if we can transition into talking about my perspective.” The practice of good listening cultivates mutual respect and understanding.

Please don’t play devil’s advocate when your partner is looking for support. Unless they have explicitly said they are feeling stuck and would benefit from an opposing viewpoint, devil’s advocate almost always results in a terrible outcome. Please don’t do it.

Finally, it is helpful to side with your partner. Support conversations are a great time to build trust and communicate that you are on your partner’s team. Some may bristle at this because they don’t want to be a yes-person for their partner. Point taken. It is important to have a conversation with your partner about your values. From a values perspective, are you a couple who believes you should help each other be the best you can be, which sometimes involves challenging one another’s perspective? Great. Do that from a place of kindness, not judgement. Are you a couple that prefers to have the other’s back no matter what? Also great. Know who you are as a couple and make sure that the way you provide support is aligned with your values.

Takeaways

You are not expected to be a mind reader. Phew! So go ahead and ask what kind of support your partner likes and remember to be a good listener. We are all more resilient when we feel securely connected to someone we trust, so next time your partner asks, “are you there for me” make it a resounding, “yes!”

Kristin Thieme is a Gottman Method couples therapist practicing at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Ms. Thieme earned a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from Lewis & Clark College. After graduating with honors (summa cum laude), she pursued additional education and certification in the Gottman Method while training directly with John and Julie Gottman in Seattle. Ms. Thieme joined The Family Institute as a therapist in 2019.