A great physical connection begins with a great emotional connection
If you learned you need to have sex a certain number of days per week, have an orgasm every time you’re intimate or master a glossy magazine full of positions to keep it hot, this article is going to be a game changer. We know from the research that couples who sustain a strong physical connection have two things in common 1) they are great friends to one another and 2) they prioritize intimacy. Not convinced? Good! We hope you bring that same level of healthy skepticism to everything you read on the internet, and especially when it comes to sex because there is a lot of salacious nonsense out there that ranges from ridiculous to reprehensible. While we’ve included some great science to guide this conversation, we hope your takeaways are to stay curious, lean into vulnerability and trust your body.
From limerence to love
In the beginning of your relationship, you may have experienced a little something called “limerence.” What’s limerence, you ask? It is a term coined by Psychologist Dorothy Tennov to describe the “I want to rip your clothes off” feeling. The lusty state of limerence is a whole biochemical process in your brain and body characterized by flushed skin, racing heart and sexual excitement. It seems like intense desire comes effortlessly but this is probably the most erotically effortful phase in many relationships. Think about it: you took the time to plan fun dates, you made sure to smell good and look your best, you tidied up your apartment and told your roommate to take a hike. Maybe you even checked in just to say things like, “I’m excited to see you.” The physical symptoms of limerence dissipate within a few months, however, the small actions we take so happily in that phase can also help us sustain our physical connection over a lifetime.
As your relationship progressed, you eventually found a rhythm that featured your favorite foods, activities, TV shows and sides of the bed. You worked your way through arguments and reconnected. You developed routines, paid your bills, watched your body change and your responsibilities grow.
Along the way, did you and your partner ever sit down to talk about where you like to be kissed, how you like to be touched, what helps to set the mood or what turns you off? We get it, it takes time for most people to feel safe enough to have vulnerable conversations about intimacy with their partner. One reason people might hold off on these conversations is that they weren’t taught how to have them, so they struggle to find the words to communicate what they’re feeling. Second, many of us picked up the message somewhere along the way that sex is natural and spontaneous so it shouldn’t be that hard to figure out and, if it is, it’s best to keep your mouth shut so you don’t embarrass yourself. Then there are those who enter relationships with misplaced confidence, believing they know everything about sex because they’ve viewed a lot of it on the internet or had several partners. These folks in particular may need some extra support tuning into their vulnerability and their partner’s preferences. Finally, many people have had unwanted sexual experiences and understandably approach this topic with caution.
Wherever you’re coming from, we hope to help physical connection feel safer, sexier and more satisfying. Every single one of us should get to decide when and how we are touched and getting to know your partner better sexually begins with emotional intimacy.
We are friends first
A great physical connection begins with a great emotional connection. Dr. John Gottman’s research shows a strong correlation between the amount of fondness and admiration couples express during non-intimate times and their satisfaction with intimacy in the relationship. Telling your partner what you value about them as a person while demonstrating curiosity about who they are becoming gives oxygen to the flame of passion. Being present during quality time, offering support and practicing vulnerability all serve to build the foundation of friendship in strong relationships.
Clinical Psychologist and Sexologist Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz studies couples who have amazing sex. She calls them “extraordinary lovers” in her research. The participants in her studies include adults of all ages, LGBTQ and straight, able bodied and disabled, kinky and vanilla. In her book titled “Magnificent Sex”, she makes clear that sex is not just for the young and beautiful. In fact, her research shows that people in their mid-fifties were reporting the best sex of their lives! When she asked participants in the study how they started having all this “magnificent” sex, they would say things like, “I had to unlearn everything I’d learned about sex growing up—the myths, the stereotypes—everything” and “I had to overcome the shame and guilt about my fantasies.” She goes on to say one of the most important takeaways from her research is that, like most things worth having in life, great sex takes time and intentionality.
Accelerators and Brakes
It is now our pleasure to introduce you to the Dual Control Model. The Dual Control Model describes how our body’s sexual response system works and, as the name suggests, it has two parts. The first part of the system is called the accelerator. The accelerator notices everything you see, smell, feel, hear, taste, and imagine, that your brain codes as a sexually relevant stimulus, and it sends a turn on signal that activates arousal and desire. Some examples include watching a sexy scene in a movie, slipping into fresh sheets, or feeling your partner kiss your neck.
The second part of the system is called the brake. The brake notices all the good reasons not to be turned on right now, everything you see, smell, feel, hear, taste and imagine, that your brain codes as a potential threat, a reason not to be sexually active. The brake sends the turn off signal. So your level of arousal or desire at any given moment is a balance of how many ons are turned on and how many offs are turned off. For example, maybe you are watching that sexy scene but your teenagers are in the room, or you slip into your clean sheets but your partner has a cold, or it feels nice to be kissed but you’re running late for work.
Many couples report that laughing together, feeling appreciated and spending quality time activates their accelerator while feeling criticized, judged, blamed or disrespected shuts them down. Being a good friend to your partner supports a stronger physical connection. To learn more about your own accelerators and brakes, we invite you to reflect on the following questions and share with your partner when you’re ready:
+ What activates my accelerator?
+ What activates my brake?
What is it that I like when I like sex?
What is it that I want when I want sex?
When people struggle with desire, arousal or orgasm, its less often related to a lack of stimulation to the accelerator and much more often related to too much stimulation to the brake. This is especially true for people who grew up in sexually shaming cultures or those who have experienced sexual harm. When arousal is linked with danger, sexual stimulation may remain a brake even after the danger has passed. Therapy with a trauma informed therapist can help folks learn how to experience pleasure in a way that feels safe.
Spontaneous and Responsive desire
Now that we understand that each and every one of us has an accelerator and a brake, and that what turns us on and shuts us down is deeply personal, let’s talk about spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire feels like it comes out of the blue—one minute you’re pulling clothes out of the dryer and then … BAM! You’re ready for sexy time.
Responsive desire occurs when pleasure comes first and desire follows. Responsive desire arises when the environment lends itself to arousal. Maybe you aren’t aroused or feeling particularly interested in sex, but then your partner says you’re lookin’ good, and a little while later they do the dishes even though it is your night. As you’re getting into bed, you catch a whiff of your partner’s shampoo, they ask if you want a little massage and you notice your body starts waking up. Kisses, cuddles, and caresses can set a sexy cascade in motion or they can be a destination in and of themselves. There is no hierarchy when it comes to connection.
Author and Sex Educator Dr. Emily Nagoski says, “The key to assessing your own sexual wellbeing is not how much you want sex, but how much you like the intimacy you are having. Pleasure is the measure.” Peggy Kleinplatz adds that “it is normal not to want sex you don’t like. But also, maybe what you don’t like is the feeling of obligation, of responsibility. Maybe you are so stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted that you cannot find your way to the erotic place in your mind.”
This is why being friends with your intimate partner is so very important. To deepen your intimacy, you must be able to create a relationship in which you can wholeheartedly trust that your partner does not just want something from you, but that they are there for you. Playfulness and pleasure are born from true partnership.
Where do we begin
Putting time on your calendar to be intimate with your partner can be a great place to start. Now, you might already be thinking, “I don’t know about this. Scheduling sex feels like a lot of pressure and I am pretty sure feeling pressured is a brake for me!” We hear you. Being genuinely open to whatever happens, or doesn’t, is key here. Sex is not the goal. Orgasm is not the goal. Connection is the goal.
Prioritizing time to connect doesn’t mean you’re obligated to have sex, it just means you’re committed to creating opportunities for responsive desire to bloom. Physical connection can grow more easily when it’s not competing with TV, work and the bottomless to-do list. Instead of waiting around for spontaneous desire to spark -- light your own fire.
Great lovers are made, not born
At any age, we can reflect on what safe, sexy and satisfying physical connection means to us. Making the effort to nurture our friendship within the relationship builds trust and sets the mood for responsive desire. When we choose to unlearn harmful cultural messages, we begin a process of liberation. Intimacy allows us to know one another fully and really feel our partner’s love.
Kristin Thieme is a Gottman Method couples therapist practicing at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Ms. Thieme earned a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy from Lewis & Clark College. After graduating with honors (summa cum laude), she pursued additional education and certification in the Gottman Method while training directly with John and Julie Gottman in Seattle. Ms. Thieme joined The Family Institute as a therapist in 2019.
