How To Offer Support Without Fixing The Problem

Jo: “My boss is driving me crazy. He always takes credit for my ideas!”

Lyn: “Would you like sympathy or solutions?”

Jo and Lyn have been using this stock response, “sympathy or solutions,” any time one of them complains to the other person. This phrase helps the other person understand what kind of support their partner would like in that situation.

Often when we hear our partner fret, we try to jump in and solve their problem. But most likely the person is just looking for support.

What the research says

Support not only strengthens your relationship, but it also makes both partners healthier! Healthy, supportive relationships can help you live longer, deal with stress, be healthier, and feel richer, according to the Earl E. Bakken Center for Spirituality & Healing at the University of Minnesota. Conversely, lack of supportive relationships can result in depression, decreased immune function, and higher blood pressure.

Although it can be tempting to try to solve our partner’s problems, it’s not actually support unless they are asking for our help. Of course you don’t want to cause your partner to get depressed or sick!

Putting it into practice

In “Relationship Advice: How to Stop ‘Fixing’ and Start Listening,” Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby offers several tips to opening yourself up to supporting without trying to fix:

• Listen and don’t give advice unless they ask for it. Just hold space.

• Acknowledge their feelings. Let them know you hear them and sympathize.

• Practice reflexive listening. Listen with your whole heart and echo back what you are hearing.

• Ask open-ended questions. To truly understand, ask clarifying questions such as “how did that make you feel?” or “What happened next?”

Key takeaways

In addition to supporting your partner when they are facing a difficult situation, they will also appreciate your support when things are going well. Encourage them to cultivate supportive friendships beyond your relationship. Support them in their career and pursuing their dreams. Ask them how they would like to be supported.

When you begin an intimate relationship, you become your partner’s #1 ally. Be there whenever your partner needs a listening ear, and your relationship will become stronger for it.

For more information on support read Support - Are you there for me?