Managing Yourself in Relationships: Part 1 – Time Out!
In this four part series, leadership and relationship expert Susan MacKenty Brady offers some hard-won advice about how best to manage yourself for optimal relationship success – at home and at work.
Irritatingly, we can’t control other people or how and when they give us attention and love. We can try to control others, for sure, but it likely won’t go well. It usually lands as disappointing to us and irritating (or altogether infuriating) to others. I have come to believe that trying to control or manipulate to get what we want from our relationships at work and at home is an exercise of futility or, for sure eventual negative consequence.
But here is the great news: you CAN fully manage yourself in ways that leave you happier, less stressed, even joyful as you navigate your relationships.
So much of the need to manipulate or control a person or situation stems from wanting. So, the first step in managing yourself is asking yourself the question, “what is it that I want right now from this person or situation?”
So often, in interpersonal relationships, our wanting becomes clear to us after having a whoosh of feelings. Those feelings may be anger or frustration over something someone said that we didn’t like, or they might be feelings of delight and desire, or they may stem from fear and anxiety. But no matter the thought or feeling, there was a stimulus that led you to want something more, less, or different. Here is part one in the Managing Yourself in Relationship Series.
Slow It on Down. Take a Time Out.
I have written a good bit about how our thoughts and feelings drive our saying and doing (actions.) How you manage yourself before you speak or take action will determine your success in your relationships. So, the first step when you want more or less of something from another is to push pause for yourself or slow down your thinking and get quiet with what you are feeling. Especially when we are triggered and feeling intensely, we need to pause before we speak to another.
Speaking when in the throes of intense emotion is risky. I find it very difficult to ensure my impact on others is aligned with my truest intention when I allow myself to speak when I’m in mid-whoosh.
Recently, and after a long day of video-based meetings, I came down from my home office and was greeted by a kitchen in total disarray – and no one home. I felt the annoyance rise within me. I had left the kitchen SPOTLESS when I went up for my afternoon calls. I know now – and in fairness had that gift of being solo – what I need to do and imperfectly practice this essential step. I needed a verbal time out.
Instead of giving myself permission to send an angry text to my teenage daughters, (or, better yet, think of how I will take them down when they walk in the door) I knew I needed to mentally check in with myself. “What’s going on?” “What is it that I want or need right now?” “Why am I triggered?” “What am I feeling?”
Understanding yourself is best news about love and relationships because it is totally in your control. Hearing your desires, whispers, knowing, and listening carefully requires that you slow down and take a pause. In other realms, I have referred to this as harnessing your energy. It believes managing our energy is our secret relational weapon.
For me, practicing “the Pause” comes easier to me. Are you wondering what I did about the upside down kitchen? I fought every single instinct in my body to clean it all up and then complain later, and texted my teens to clean the kitchen spotless when they got home – and told them they had an hour. This was a total win for me, because instead of feeling like being triggered allowed me to run amuck with my reaction, I was able to take a breath and make a very clear request. Needless to say, they were so grateful for “Mom staying cool” they did as asked with glee.
Is there an opportunity for you to take pause more often when you get triggered?
Susan MacKenty Brady is the Deloitte Ellen Gabriel Chair for Women and Leadership at Simmons University in Boston and the CEO of the Simmons University Institute for Inclusive Leadership. She was previously president of the Relational Life Institute, where she worked closely with some of the brightest and most innovative minds in relationship and behavioral science. She currently serves as emeritus board member for Strong Women, Strong Girls and as board chair for Our.Love Company. The author of two well received books, Susan is the mother of two awesome teenage daughters who are learning about love and relationships just like she is.
