The Artful Apology: Taking Responsibility, Being Remorseful, and Offering to Repair

Many of us have been on the other end of an apology that didn’t land right. We left feeling more upset, disappointed, or angrier than BEFORE the apology.

How can that be if the person said they were sorry? They probably didn’t know the art (or science) behind how to really apologize.

You can’t control someone else’s apologies, but you can learn how to apologize better yourself.

Here are three steps to creating an artful and helpful apology:

1.     Find a good time to approach your partner

As with most Love Skills, you need to first find a convenient time to speak with your partner when you are both calm and receptive to exchange thoughts and feelings.

2.     Craft what you want to say

Take some time to think about what you want to say. Include five parts:

·       Own your mistake. Start with an acknowledgment of what you did or said, like “I did X” or “I said X,Y, Z.” This allows your partner to see and hear that you know exactly what you did that upset them.

·       “I am sorry” is a good start. Showing this first sign of remorse for your actions or words can go a long way.

·       Include feelings of remorse and acknowledge you have caused hurt, such as “I feel badly that this hurt you.” Let your partner know you feel badly about the rupture in the relationship.

·       Offer repair by committing to try to not make this mistake again. “Next time I will do a, b, and c” or “in the future I will be more careful.”

·       Repair in the moment by cleaning things up. “I will go clean up the mess I made” or “how can I best support you in this right now?” Repairing our mistakes can go a long way. Repair can take the simple “I am sorry” to a higher level of care and concern for your partner. Showing change in your actions and words lets your partner experience your love and care.

3.     Be in tune with what your partner needs to work together in moving forward

Once you have told your partner how you feel, both sorry and remorseful, and you have offered gestures of repair, you can ask your partner what they need in the moment.

They might need a hug, time alone, time to process, or the chance to tell you “I forgive you.” In this last step, it is essential that you listen to what your partner needs to move forward. 

Good luck with the art of apologizing! It is not easy. It is a skill, but with practice you can do it!