Embracing Self-Worth
Dr. Adia Gooden is a licensed clinical psychologist, author of 4 Practices to Connect to your Unconditional Self-Worth, host of the Unconditionally Worthy podcast, and TEDx speaker. She specializes in providing therapy to people of color and speaks about unconditional self-worth, imposter syndrome, and black women in mental health. She has served as a staff psychologist and the coordinator for multicultural outreach and support for the Student Counseling Services at the University of Chicago and the Director of the Clinic and Community Programs at the Family Institute at Northwestern.
She received her bachelor’s in psychology from Stanford University and her doctorate in clinical community psychology from DePaul University. She offers online courses and programs to help people build healthy relationships with themselves and discover their unconditional self-worth.
Here’s a glimpse of what you’ll learn:
Dr. Adia Gooden talks about distinguishing and practicing self-worth
A different approach to self-worth from the inside out
Dr. Gooden shares practices to ground yourself in self-worth through fluid times
How can the quality of your relationships improve by practicing self-worth?
Dr. Gooden discusses creating a healthy relationship with yourself to have a balanced relationship with others
The importance of open communication in a relationship to self-soothe intruding thoughts of anxiety
In this episode…
Are you struggling with thoughts of not being good enough? You’ve accomplished personal and professional goals but still feel insufficient.
Intrusive thoughts of self-doubt can make you feel worthless, that you are not fulfilling your purpose in academia, your career, and your relationships. How can you connect to your unconditional self-worth? Dr. Adia Gooden has proven strategies to help you on your journey to identify your self-worth — because she spent years trying to accomplish the same thing.
In this episode of Our.Love Podcast, Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings sits down with Dr. Adia Gooden, licensed clinical psychologist, author, and podcast host, to talk about proven practices to improve your self-worth. Dr. Gooden shares her story of struggling with disbelief in her self-worth, learning how to forgive yourself through self-compassion, and the importance of self-soothing to cultivate healthy relationships.
Resources Mentioned in this episode
Sponsor for this episode
This episode is brought to you by “Our.Love Company.”
If you want to build a strong long-lasting relationship with your significant other and explore new-exciting ways to engage each other, download our Our.Love app today - it is free!
Go to www.our.love and sign up for the latest insights on all topics related to relationships and love! as well as Access to our app! It’s free.
Episode Transcript
Intro 0:03
Welcome to Our.Love Podcast, where we share insights from top scientists and relationship experts on all things about love that are out of the box, refreshing and new. Now sit back, grab a cold drink or hot one if you prefer. And enjoy today's episode.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 0:25
Hello, hello everyone. This is Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings, Co-host of Our.Love Podcast, where we visit with top experts in all things relationships. Today we will be talking with Dr. Adia Gooden, who is a licensed clinical psychologist working with individuals and couples. She received her BA in Psychology from Stanford University and her PhD in clinical community psychology from DePaul University. Dr. Adia has served as a staff psychologist and the coordinator for multicultural outreach and support for the Student Counseling Services at the University of Chicago, and she also served as the director of the clinic and community programs at the Family Institute at Northwestern before starting her own business. Dr. Adia specializes in providing therapy to people of color and is a sought after dynamic speaker who gives talks on unconditional self worth, imposter syndrome and black women in mental health. Dr. Adia gave a TED talk on cultivating unconditional self worth. She is also a podcast host. And she has online courses and programs designed to help people build healthy relationships with themselves and embrace their unconditional self worth. Adia. Welcome, I'm so glad you're here today.
Dr. Adia Gooden 1:40
Thanks so much for having me. I'm happy to be here.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 1:43
I'm really looking forward to this conversation. I'm happy to say I am one of the many viewers of your TED talk. I love I loved it. super informative. And I'm wondering if today we can start just really general? Can we just start with a definition of what is unconditional self worth? Is? Is it related to self esteem, self love? How is it different? What's the unconditional part?
Dr. Adia Gooden 2:15
Hmm, yeah, great question. So I conceptualize unconditional self worth as the belief that you deserve to be alive, to be loved and cared for and to take up space, just because you're human. And I distinguish unconditional self worth from self esteem. Because I think of self self esteem. And I think you know, the research and you know, people who are experts in the field of self esteem, talk about self esteem as more about, you know, what we do in the world, our skills, our abilities, our accomplishments, what we believe we can achieve. And so I distinguish self worth, as, you know, being more how we see ourselves as a human being versus a human doing. So, regardless of what we're doing in the world, we're either so whether we're failing or succeeding, do we think we're worthy? Do we treat ourselves as worthy? Do we believe that we deserve love and care?
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 3:11
Yeah, great distinction. So what does that sound like? Verbally? I am I am worthy. I am I am okay.
Dr. Adia Gooden 3:24
Yeah, yeah, it's a good question. So I think, you know, one way that we can sort of practice self worth, and it's a practice that I offer to clients, and lots of folks that I support on a self worth journey is through self compassion, and particularly the sort of the self kindness, which looks like, oh, that might, that might be hard, but it's okay. I'm here for you. I'm here with you. I'm not throwing you away, I'm not abandoning you, because you made a mistake, or you had a failure. Right? It's, it's believing that you're worthy. Regardless, it could also look like, oh, wow, this is a really exciting job opportunity, or Oh, wow, I'm really excited to go on a date with this person. And I believe that I'm worthy of that. Right. And I'm not getting bogged down in, well, this is why you shouldn't get your hopes up. And this is why you're not worthy of it. And this is why you shouldn't go for it. And this is why blah, blah, blah. Not all of the self criticism, but the Okay, I'm excited. I'm gonna go for it. Right. And, and I believe that me as a human is good enough is worthy for this positive experience.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 4:37
Yeah, yeah. I love that. And I wonder for our listeners, if there is, are there what how do I? Are there ways that people can get to this idea of self worthiness, if they notice avenues that they're using to lift up their worth? Good, or maybe unhealthy, like the one that comes to mind for me that I see all the time in practice is, in my practice is kind of coming through the avenue of achievement, right? I am worthy because I have this achievement, whether that's I went to a prestigious school or I got an A on a paper, or I have this big house or I have achieved something big at work, or I have a certain title at work I work in, you know, some particular company. That's one area or avenue I see a lot. I'm curious to, to hear what I guess one, what do you think about that particular Avenue? And then are there other avenues that people might identify? That would maybe trigger them into thinking, Oh, maybe there's another way to think about self worth?
Dr. Adia Gooden 5:46
Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, I certainly tried that achievement avenue for a long time. The connection that I went to Stanford and you work for your practice is very close to Stanford. So I'm sure you're seeing a lot of Stanford students, Stanford alums, grad students, people in the tech industry, right. And, and I spent years really saying, Okay, this, is it, right? If I just achieve this thing, then I'll be worthy. And the tricky part is that usually, the bar always moves, right. So you get into Stanford, but then that's not good enough. So you better get perfect grades, but then that's not good enough, so then you better get an award. And that's not good enough, but you so you better get into grad school. And that's not good enough. So you better finish in five years, right? Like that was sort of my path until I defended my dissertation and realize pretty crushingly like, Oh, this isn't gonna work. Yeah, like this, I've sort of taken it to the end, right, like the ultimate academic achievement. And it's not, it isn't doing it, it isn't giving me what I, what I need what I want. It's not filling that hole. And so I think so many people go down this path. And that path is laid out for us by society and our parents that say, just get a good job, get, just get an education, do well in school, get a good job, and then you'll be happy, right? That's how it's sort of laid out for us and well intended. But then you do those things. And you're like, well, that, but that isn't making me feel worthy, or I'm not experiencing sustained happiness. So that's certainly an avenue. I think people also use romantic relationships. As another thing, that's another thing that I've tried on my journey is sort of this believing that if I could just find someone to choose me to love me, then that would prove that I was worthy, and lovable. But the problem was that as long as I didn't feel worthy, I was first of all attracting and being attracted to partners who did not have the capacity to love me fully. And when I was with partners, who very much loved me, I couldn't really take it in either I was sort of bored. Like, you're not making me prove it, you're not making me work for it. So I'm kind of bored. Or I was skeptical, or I was anxious, and I just pushed it away. Right? So that's another it's sort of this trap that you both want a partner to prove that you're worthy, but then your own disbelief that you are worthy keeps you from a loving, fulfilling relationship. So those are two main ones people use parents, certainly, people use status, right social class and status and markers of those are lots of things that people use to try to prove their worth from the outside in.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 8:45
So Oh, and I love the way you said that from the outside. And because I think you're making the distinction between self worth coming from outside in, which is potentially, again, for the listeners to review the four that you named appearance, status, doing and achieving. And what was your fourth?
Dr. Adia Gooden 9:10
relationships
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 9:11
Relationships. Yeah. Yeah. So if we can recognize, oh, maybe I'm trying to get at it from that avenue. That's outside in in the distinction you're making is self worth actually should come from the inside out? Yes. Yeah. Yes. I really like that. Yeah. Oh, and I'm excited to talk a little bit more about how that then relates to love and relationships. But before we go there, let me first say thank you for sharing those pieces of your story. That's so helpful. And so helpful, I think for all of us to recognize this kind of common humanity. Right, we all have stories of our self worth journey that relate back to how we were brought up the environments that we were brought up in our schooling, the messages we got from society. And I think that it's so helpful to think about self worth as almost like a dimmer switch, right? A light with a dimmer switch. So forth is like a light switch. And it's either on or off. So they come into the office, they want to learn unconditional self worth. And the belief is, well, if I just learned it, the light switch will go on, and I'll have it and I'm good to go. I'm, I'm fixed. And the way I sometimes think about it is that it's it's a dimmer switch is sort of, you know, kind of it can come come on and condemn, it can get bigger, it can get smaller. I'm wondering what your thoughts are about that? How do you approach unconditional self worth?
Dr. Adia Gooden 11:01
Yeah, so I like the dimmer switch metaphor. And I tend to sort of think of it as we all have a light within us that we're born with, right that, you know, you're born with as a baby, and nobody would question whether or not a baby is worthy unconditionally. And then we have these experiences in our lives that sort of cover over the light, I don't think it can go out, right? I don't think so if we, if we took the dimmer switch metaphor, we'd say, even if the light is off, right, even if the dimmer is turned all the way off, the electricity is still there. Right? It isn't cut off. It's just how do you tune back into it? Right? And so if we took my metaphor with a light, it's like, okay, did it get covered over by a trauma? By a difficult experience by something that said, right, like, did that dim your light in the sense of it's getting covered over? And how do we sort of uncover it? Right? So there's some pieces that are sort of how do you dismantle some of the narratives that you started buying into? Maybe because of trauma, maybe because of a difficult experience? Maybe because of, you know, a failure? Right? Yep. And then there's also these sorts of practices that I offer to people, which are around yeah, how do you turn that light on, right? If we're doing using the demonstrates switch, and I use them, I frame them as practices, because sort of as you're saying, when we go through life, there may be times when we feel really grounded in our self worth. And then something may happen, we may lose a job, and or a role may shift or change. And that may awaken us to the fact that some of our self worth was dependent on that role. Right, it was a little bit more self esteem. And we may have to return to some of these practices to remind ourselves that we're still worthy, even with the last job, right, and really reground ourselves. And so, you know, I think of these practices as ways of treating ourselves, ways of seeing ourselves. And I think that's important, because often, with self worth, people are sort of saying, well just believe you're worthy. And I think a lot of people are like, well, if I could, I would write, you know, but like, that's not just saying I'm worthy isn't causing it to sink in. And so, I think of okay, even if you don't feel worthy, could you treat yourself as though you are? Could you show up for yourself? Could you be kind to yourself? Could you do some of these engaging some of these practices that reminds you of your worthiness? Even if you're not feeling it at the moment?
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 13:43
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in my experience, sort of people sort of like the dimmer goes down, like the switch goes down, they lose, maybe that self worthiness, when like, you're saying they've lost a job, or the girlfriend breaks up with them. Right. And it's sort of this moment of awakening to Oh, I was going at self worth through this achievement path, or I was going to self worth through this relationship path. Yeah. Can you share some of those practices with us?
Dr. Adia Gooden 14:17
Yeah, sure. So there are, you know, a few sort of core practices that I tend to talk about. One is forgiving yourself, because I think often the things that dim the light are things that we do, that we don't feel good about, that we're struggling with, we feel ashamed of. And we say, well, you know, maybe I would be worthy if I hadn't had that failure, or if I hadn't made that mistake, or if I hadn't ruined that relationship, but since I did that, that's it. I'm not worthy. Right. And so the process of self forgiveness can help people to move out of that space where they sit, they feel like this thing makes me unworthy and into Okay, I made this mistake, I had this failure I, you know, made a misstep. And how do I learn from it? How do I understand where I was? And what led to that? How do I grow from it? How do I pull the wisdom and allow myself to move forward? So that's one.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 15:16
Beautiful, practice that beautiful out. So recognizing Everyone makes mistakes, then taking some accountability, and then learning from it to better yourself. And then, and Hoo, boy, is that hard for perfectionist? Yeah, yeah. Any other practices that you could share with us?
Dr. Adia Gooden 15:38
Yeah, another one I talk a lot about is self compassion. And there actually is some research out there that self compassion does bolster or boost a sense of self worth. And so self compassion has sort of three core practices which are mindfulness, right, slowing down to get curious about how you're feeling and what you're thinking, without judgment, common humanity, remembering that you're human. Right? You mentioned the common humanity before and that, right, it humans are not perfect. It's okay. Not to be perfect. It's okay to have a hard time or to struggle. And then self kindness, right? So replacing that inner criticism and that self critical voice with kindness, right? How would you talk to a friend? How would you talk to a child? How would you talk to a loved one, and offering that same kindness and care to yourself?
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 16:29
Yeah, beautiful really beautiful. So if we're going to connect self worth to this idea of having a loving relationship, do you feel like it's essential to have good unconditional healthy self worth before partnering?
Dr. Adia Gooden 16:55
So what I'll say is this, I don't think that you have to be like, I am perfectly grounded in my worthiness before you consider dating, because I think that's sort of unreasonable. I do think that we are more likely to have healthy relationships, if we are on a path of embracing our unconditional self worth, when we're, you know, in those relationships entering into them. I know, for me, things really shifted in terms of my dating and relationships, once I was grounded in my self worth, right, if I think about the relationships and the dating experiences I had when I was anxious, and felt unlovable and did not feel worthy, the quality of those relationships, and you know, I was dating pretty good people, right? Like they weren't awful people, was very different from my relationship with my now husband, right? And how I engaged in that from a place of knowing that I was worthy, felt very different from me than the anxiety that used to really characterize my dating. Does he like me? Does he want to go on a date with me? Am I good enough? How do I prove that I'm good enough? How do I do the right way? Like that was really a common dynamic and I relationships. And that shifted. So I don't, I don't want to say like, you have to be finished with this journey. And like, check this box before you ever enter a relationship. But I have seen in my own life I've seen in client's life. I've seen it in couples that I've worked with, that when people are not attending to how they see themselves and how they treat themselves and how they feel about themselves. That can be a big challenge for a romantic relationship.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 18:35
Yeah, yeah. And I would, yeah, again, right, we come back to this idea of sort of, if you're on the self esteem journey, you might be in one place with it, where it's really strong, and you feel really good, and you're very solid in that. And then you get into relationship in the relationship itself sort of brings up issues around a, you know, sort of issues around worthiness that maybe weren't there before, just by the nature of whatever this person kind of brings, right? So you have Person A maybe feeling pretty worthy person be feeling pretty worthy both on their own journeys, and then they get together and they create some sort of dynamic that sort of rocks the boat in some way. Yeah, how do you? How do you work with couples, when one or potentially both people are struggling with the self worthiness?
Dr. Adia Gooden 19:29
Yeah, it's a good question. It's, it's a challenge. Right? I mean, I think in some of the couples that I've worked with, I can see how one partner is doing the best they can to really show that they love and appreciate their other partner. And the partner who's struggling with self worth really has a hard time taking it in. Yeah, it's almost never good enough. It's almost never enough and intellectually they might be able to say Yes, you are an amazing loving, caring partner. But you know, emotionally, it still doesn't feel that way. And so I think the challenge in couples work is to not get too into individual work. So sometimes it's providing some frameworks and some strategies and practices that will benefit both partners, sort of like what I've been talking about with self, self compassion and things like that. And then also encouraging partners to do some of this work in their individual therapy, or to seek out an individual therapist where they really can dig in to their personal history, and narratives around self worth, which we can talk about some in the context of a couple, but it's a little harder to do some of that deep work in the couples therapy context.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 20:47
Yeah. And, and I'm wondering if that self worth piece? Well, let me let me let me actually back up and say it this way. Here's how couples often enter my office. Couple comes in, they both take five or 10 minutes saying, you know, my partner, does this does this does this and it is not okay. And then the other partner takes their five or 10 minutes and says, well, but you think that's bad? Well, listen to what my partner does with me. And I'm, and I'm wondering if there's a connection between that kind of blame game and self worth? Any thoughts about that?
Dr. Adia Gooden 21:31
Yeah, I think it's a good question. I think so. Right. So I think often, the way we judge and blame our partners is a reflection of the way we judge and blame ourselves. Yes. Beautiful. And I think when people are struggling with self worth challenges, they're usually also experiencing a lot of self criticism. And there isn't room for what's going on with me. What's going on with you? Right? Or compassion? Right. And so that's one thing. And the other thing is, again, if we're trying to use a partner to fill a void, yeah, then it's really upsetting when they do not do that. And it's not, you know, the, in the couple framework is you're doing it wrong, you shouldn't be doing it like this. I don't know, you're making me feel this way. And part of you know, as you know, like our work as couples therapist is to say, Okay, how is this a joint sort of venture, right? Like, how are both of you contributing to this dynamic, versus it's all one person's fault, or all another person's fault. But when we're in the framework of, you're supposed to be making me feel loved and me feel worthy, and you're not doing it. And that's making me angry, and really, it's actually making me scared, but I'm going to come with the anger, why, and I criticize myself constantly, and I don't feel worthy, and then I'm going to put that on you, then we just have this whole mess, right? That the couples therapist is there to help untangle. Because so much can get mixed in there when people don't feel worthy people don't feel lovable, when you know, self worth is outsourced to another partner who may or may not know what your needs are what you want, you may not be communicating that and then you're angry that they're not doing the thing that makes you feel good, or that you think will make you feel better.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 23:28
And even a step further, I think so many people don't even know what their wants and needs are. Right. So they can tell you, Well, my partner doesn't fill this void. But the next step is, I think in the work sometimes will what is that void? Why is it there? And what am I looking to get from my partner? And what you're saying is, you know, sure, a partner can help in that journey. But what can you give yourself to fill that void?
Dr. Adia Gooden 23:55
Yes, yeah. Right. And it doesn't mean that you don't ask for things of your partner, right? It doesn't mean that you're hyper independent, and I don't need anything from you. But when you're sort of grounded in I provide myself love and care, and I can ask you for that. Right, then it's such a more it's a more balanced relationship. And I think you're right, that a lot of people don't know what they need, I think often be I sort of have this framework of in relationships, people can go into this almost like infancy mode, like, I'm crying, and you should just know what I need, I need to be fed, I need to be changed. I need to sleep. You expect the partner and and it's like, okay, that's okay for infants because they cannot do anything but cry, right? But as adults, if we don't feel that our needs are worthy, if our needs have never been attended to by a parent, by a friend by a family member or by us, then it can feel very scary to say I need this from you. And so instead of saying that, because we may not know how to take We may not know what we need, because we're not even tuned in. We just say I'm uncomfortable. I don't like this right now. So I'm gonna cry, or I'm gonna tantrum. And you should have figured out how to prevent this. Right. And it's the other partner might be like, I know what was going on with you, right? And so it's like, how do we get to even? I'm going to tune into my needs, which is part of the I think there's a core piece around self worth, which is building a healthy relationship with yourself. Yeah, right. So tuning into yourself, paying attention to yourself, right? Being curious about yourself, because if you can attend to your own needs, then you're going to be better able to ask a partner to show up for you in the way that would be most helpful.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 25:46
Yeah, yeah. Beautiful. And you included two of the seven love skills in that comment, one being curiosity, which I think is so important for development, individually and in a relationship, right, being curious with yourself and being curious with and about the other person. And then the second being vulnerable. And being vulnerable means to me being able to say, I have this need, here is my heart. Can you hold this with me? Yeah. Yeah. Boy, you can see how this could go so wrong. If someone comes to relationships with the idea that this other person is going to fulfill this? Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. You talked a little bit about your own journey. When I was listening to one of your podcasts where you talked about relationship anxiety. Mm hmm. Can you talk a little bit more about what that is?
Dr. Adia Gooden 26:56
Yeah. I mean, you know, for me, the I was sort of generally an anxious person. Thankfully, I'm not anymore, thanks to therapy. Doing this work, but so I had anxiety, some about academics, but the thing about academics is like, I can control that pretty much any hard work hard, you know, get the assignment in, like, I kind of knew I, I was, you know, somebody who's, like, blessed to do well, academically and for that structure to work for me. So I knew how to work that. But relationships, you know, you cannot control the other person. Yeah. So for me, I would get into these dating situations, and it would just, it was like, once I decided, and I usually decided pretty quickly, that I like someone and often that was dependent on Do they like me? Okay, great. I like them. Right? There wasn't a lot of examination of like, is this a good fit? Do I really like how I feel around them? Then it was okay, I've chosen them? Are they gonna choose me? Are they gonna choose me? are they choosing me? are they choosing? Are they texting me? Or they're not texting? Are we spending time? Do they want to spend time with me? Are they being affectionate? Are they right? Like your heart racing? And I'm saying it like that, because it's like, that's how I felt, you know, it's very things at the end, because my self worth was at stake. Because it mattered so much. It wasn't just Yes, it would be disappointed for this person I'm interested in to decide, hey, we're not a great fit. It was, what will this mean about me as a person? crush her on the dating relationships. That one, I sort of ignored the fact that I should be paying attention to whether or not this person was a good fit for me whether or not I actually enjoyed the relationship, right? That was sort of like not even important it was I need to be chosen. And then I would engage in behaviors that were not great for the relationship, right? I constant reassurance, can I have constant reassurance? What does this mean? You know, it's like, so yeah, and creating you muck up the relationship in the process? Yep. Try to soothe your own anxiety, II. And then you end up sort of recreating and reinforcing this narrative that you're not lovable, that people aren't going to choose you because you're doing these things that push people away or frustrate people. And then you say, Yep, see, I'm unlovable. Somebody else left. Somebody else didn't choose me.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 29:32
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then and reaffirm that belief. And again, if you're going from the outside in, then you are you take in those negative thoughts, those negative affirmations, right. There's negative things that other that you can say about yourself in relationship to this other person, which creates toxicity. Mm hmm. And if you can do some of this self worth work? First, like you had said, right being on that journey, then you can start from a much stronger place. And maybe the conversation with the partner would sound like I have this need to know that you are there for me. I need I need potentially a morning text to know that you are there for me, can we negotiate together some way for me to know that you're still there, we are still connected, rather than kind of how you described it with all of the anxiousness and and the scared. And the I guess maybe sometimes even demanding that said, somebody else sets the partner on the defensive. Mm hmm. Yeah.
Dr. Adia Gooden 30:46
Yeah. Right. Because there can be a feeling of you're not doing enough, right. And then the partner could feel like, dating for two months, like, what I'm supposed to be doing, right? But it's my anxiety and if I don't know how to soothe myself, right, because that's really like, what I ought to talk about is okay, it's when I used to get activated, what it really was, was the little one in me, it was little Adia saying, we get to see my projectors, again, we can't do it. Oh, my gosh, you know, and it's like, she needed to be soothed. And it's really powerful and empowering for me to now know how to soothe her. And to and I can ask my partner, right, I could say, Hey, I'm feeling anxious, I would really appreciate some communication or some soothing to remind me that you are, you do still love me or we are so connected. But that's very different than like going to them and being like, do. Right, like acting out of the little one little space, the five year old eight year old, right? And so instead it's like, okay, I need some soothing, I'm going to offer myself some soothing. And then I asked my partner to support me in that to help me with that is such a different approach. Then the either like, freaking out and your partner's, like, where did this come from? I just didn't text you for three hours. And I was at a meeting, right? or the like, what I would also sometimes do is just like, well, I'm done. They don't like me. That's it. Yeah. Right. Like, shut down, move away. You know, and I think a lot of people have the reaction because it feels so scary. And we don't know why it feels so scary. And it's like, well, it's probably something that started when we were a lot younger.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 32:36
Yeah, yeah. Or their behavior. You talked about meditation, and mindfulness are their bread, behavioral techniques that you use with folks to to self soothe. I love that idea. I mean, even the even the phrase, right, self soothe all that just sounds so wonderful. Are there other things other than meditation or mindfulness that you use?
Dr. Adia Gooden 33:04
Yeah, so you know, I often encourage people to like put a hand on their chest, you might give yourself a hug. Because physically, right, we're mammals, and often what we need is physical touch. And sometimes there is somebody there that can give us a hug. But sometimes there isn't. And so putting a hand on your chest, giving yourself a hug, you might just even say, Huh, right, like, Oh, right. So imagine I encourage people to imagine what how would you come for a crying baby? A puppy or your favorite baby animal or a little kid, right? And usually is very different than how we respond to ourselves when we're upset. Because often what people do when they're upset is Why are you so upset? You should get over? I don't even understand. Why do you even think that we're going to do right? Like, we start beating ourselves up, it just makes it worse. So instead, you can say, oh my gosh, that was so cool. You didn't hear from them for hours and you just went down a rabbit hole and you thought they were gone forever. And that was so scary. Huh? It's okay. It's okay.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 34:14
So so what you're saying is to first have acceptance for the feeling that we're having whether that's sad or scared, worried fear, and then physically you know, touch your chest. Give yourself a hug, assure yourself that the feeling is okay that you're okay. And in for people who have a hard time doing that you gave the suggestion of thinking about being with a puppy or their favorite animal or potentially a child or maybe even their inner child right like me at age i What would I go back and say to that little scared, I was actually age three that little scared preschooler, right that was scared to go into this big new world of other people and other kids. and loud and all of that. Yeah. And being able to say, It's okay. You're okay, I'm right. I'm here. Yeah. I love that. I love the idea of physical touch, and physical touch with our with ourselves. And sometimes sure we can get that from our partner but being able to do it again, here we go inside out being able to do that for ourselves. That's beautiful. Thank you so much. This has been amazing. But before we end, is there anything you'd like to share is you want to let us know where we can find you on the internet.
Dr. Adia Gooden 35:37
Sure. So for those people who are kind of curious about some of these practices I've talked about, I have a free ebook that has four practices to get you started on your self worth journey. And you can sign up to receive that on my website, which is DrAdiaGooden.com/freee with three E's so F R E E dash book? Um, so that's one thing and I'm also on Instagram. @DrAdiaGooden. I post a lot of things about self worth. And you're welcome to also check out my website. DrAdiaGooden.com.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 36:14
Awesome. Thank you so much. Really appreciate your time. This has been amazing.
Dr. Adia Gooden 36:20
Thanks so much for having me.
Dr. Keely Sikes Rollings 36:21
Take care.
Outro 36:23
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